Home At Last

This is the bedroom of Wyatt Earp.

Behind Cady is the O.K. corral.

Joe and Cady came home next day. They had a great time in Tombstone. Cady called me from the street there to tell me we were moving to Arizona. I don't think so. Member, I hate the desert? I do love it around Sonora or up north. It's just that the southern Az heat is a killer. Tomorrow we are going to Cloudcroft with Heather and Jimmy and kids to a Renaissance Fantasy Faire. Joe just went to pick up Gage too. Sounds like it will be fun. It's up in the mountains so you know I will love it. I guess thats my favorite thing about where I live. The pines are just minutes away. When I was a teen and my family lived up in Cloudcroft I would wait each day until sunset and then hitch hike down the mountain to hang out with my friends. You may wake up dead if you did that now.

When You're Lost In The Rain In Juarez And It's Easter Time Too

Joe just called me from someplace in Az. He wasn't sure were they were. Phoenix, Glendale maybe someplace else. It's 1:30 AM. Whenever he has an out of town trip he calls me from the road and I book him a room at the nearest place. I cannot do that if he doesn't know where he is. From what he said they were in a bad part of town. I freaked out. My husband and baby girl. He got back on the freeway and found me a road sign. Got back on the computer and located a motel. It's been a long time but I have passed through Phoenix many many times. In my youth we would hitch hike back and forth to Calif like it was close or something. In the summer it's such a treat. At 4:Am in Az. it is still 105 degrees. Billy and Jody and I moved there when we were 20-21yrs old to work for Jodys folks. Billy and I were married by then. After 4 weeks in that horrible heat I told Jody and Billy "see ya" and got on a bus and came back to New Mexico. Heat and I are not friends. I can really get off track huh? My family being in Phoenix just got me to tripping down memory lane. My step mom is near by in Mesa. They didn't want to call her. She's nice but it's late and she may be nice because we just live nowhere near her. I cannot go to bed till Joe calls me back and says they have been fed and are now safely tucked into a room. They go to Tombstone in the morning. They took my camera and maybe they will take a few good pics for me.

The Old West

Joe has to make a run to Tucson in the morning. Last time he went he made a pit stop in Tombstone. Joe loves anything old. He called me whilst he wandered through the old graveyard. Had a beer at Big Nose Kates and then came on home. Cady is going along for the ride tomorrow and he is gonna take her on a mini vacation. She will love it. I on the other hand grew up taking long vacations to old western towns and think I will pass. My dad was a fanatic about the old west. He built a bar onto our house that was made to look like the Long Branch Saloon from Gun Smoke. He collected all things western. Our fun vacations consisted of camping near Virginia City and bottle digging in the old dump and in the ally behind the Bucket o Blood Saloon. Not too much fun for kids. He had a very nice collection of things we unearthed. Back in those days there was still lots of things to be found. And they let you dig around. For a real good time we got to wander the graveyards too. Ahh those were the days.

Thank You

I forgot to mention. Over at 2 Kids,,,3 Martinis I entered a contest and won a cool kids book and cd. I'm so jazzed. I have no memory of winning anything in my adult life.

Not A Bad Week

I should have posted the fishing trip photos sooner but I didn't. I'm a putter offer. We had a great time and no fish had to give their lives. Joe and Cady fished for hours and hours. I am not keen on sitting outside and doing nothing all day. But I came prepared this time. I made lots of good food and took everything from toilet paper to bandaides. I was up late making potato salad and fried chicken. I brought my book "Like Water For Chocolate" and never noticed the hours drifting by. I fell asleep in my chair too many times to count. It was very peaceful and maybe I should be willing to sit outside doing nothing more often. Today was library day for Gage and I. He has read 39 books so far. Okay, we have read 39 books to the little guy. We went to a puppet show(could have been so much better) and then had lunch under the trees at the library. The city has a free lunch program for all kids under 18. Today was Dominos pizza and choco milk with fruit and veggies with ranch dip. Not too bad, He loved eating with the kids. I think we will go again one day next week if the heat allows it. I wish the other grandkids wanted to go. Or really that the moms were up to taking them. I cannot take all those kids alone. But the other kids have plenty to do. Gage is the one who needs it the most. Mom is at home with the new baby and really cannot go into the heat with the little guy. I hope you are all having a great summer. I am not much for summer. I am waiting for my time of year. Fall. We are supposed to be getting a break from the horrible heat this week end. it has not been this hot in a few years. I have to keep the dogs in all day. I am a freak about dog hair. If they would let me I would vacuum them all.

Oh Lordy Marge, It's Gonna Rain

Reading Punk Rock Mommy I realize that she has not been off my mind for 3 days and nights. This is such an incredible mom, you should read her. I have no words.
As I sit here I hear a strange sound far off in the night. It is getting closer. I think it's a truck or someone moving a dumpster. Nope, it's lightening. We haven't had a good electrical storm in a few years. Used to have monster monsoons every summer. Actually After Joe fixed our roof there just was no reason for God to send rain. Power is flagging I need to go. Have a good one.

A Study In Disorganization

That's me folks. I don't know how many times I have posted after midnight while waiting for a load of laundry. I think I was doing this last night as a matter of fact. Gage had peed on he and me the night before and I forgot to wash my only summer sheets till 10 PM. Today Joe said he would really love to go fishing for Daddys Day. To his shock and awe I said cool, lets go. So tonight at that so magical of hours (10:30) I make potato salad and by midnight I was frying chicken and doing the dishes. Okay, I am also waiting on laundry. What is it with me that I just cannot get it together till the middle of the night? Joe is snoring along happily behind me reminding me that I should get to sleep. Hope all the daddys in your life have a happy day.

The Water Dog

Here's Gage in his pool. He swam for over an hour.

A Better Day

A few pics of Billy.

Well, I found I could not shut my brain off last night. Sometime after 3 AM I dozed off. Sometime around sunrise I felt that warm feeling I had not felt in many a year but even asleep I knew what it was and flew up and out of bed. Yep, Gage peed on us both. Cleaned us up and put a pile of towels under him and tried to get back to that sleep that took all night for me to find. I slept from 7-9. Okay, that was better than nothing. I called the ex to finally tell him about Joey. He likes to be left in the dark and have a false sense of okayness. Well I do not blame him and I would love it if I could get some of that too. Gage and I had to go to town to pay a few bills and I wanted to tan. Grandpa Billy(the ex) lives right by the tanning salon and so we dropped by and asked if Gage could hang out for a bit. He let me go tan and when I came back I told him I was going to buy Gage a few outfits. He has nothing. Grampa handed me 2 twentys and told me if I needed more to come back. Now I thought that was the sweetest thing. He is on a fixed income and has to watch his dollars. I took his $ and mine and took Gage to everyplace in town. His little legs started to get weary and he wanted to go home(my house) but we had a job to do. I never saw a 3 year old get so happy about new clothes. We had to change his clothes in the parking lot in the back seat cuz he had to wear em now. He got the cutest Nike sandals and 6 outfits and a pool and some pool toys. Then we went out to lunch and he perked up. By now it was 5:30 and time for the cousins last baseball game. We ran over just in time. My other son, Billy and his best friend and my son in law Jimmy are coaches. They do such a great job with the kids. They put in the extra $ and have all the kids names put on the backs of the shirts. They order huge trophys and give each child a small gift. Billy is Joeys total opposite. They don't speak much anymore due to Joeys attitude. Billy is devoted to his wife and his boys. After we left Grampa Billys house Gage and I went to the library and he did puzzles and read the giant books. He picked 14 books to bring home to read. It was rough making it to my vehicle with all those books and Gage in tow. We got home at 7 tonight and Gage took his books and made his own library. And then he waited. Cuddled up with his special blanket on my lap he kissed me and told me he loves me and when is Grampa Joe coming home? He managed to keep awake until 11:30 and now his day is complete. He's in Grampas arms and they are reading. He will fall asleep any second. And maybe this is what I can do. I cannot change Joey. I can fill in the gaps and whatever need I see with my grandkids. At the end of this day I feel like I am not such a total failure. And I was too busy to wash the pee sheets. I didn't realize that until 10:30 tonight. It's 12:30 and I still have 1 load to do. No rest for the wicked.

one more thing. am i doing the wrong thing by letting gage feel so at home with us? he's been with me 5 days a week since he was 1 yr old. he will be 4 in sept. well, until 2 months ago when jody was born. i feel like we are his other home but he breaks his momas heart by wanting to stay here always. it makes me sad. what would you do?

You Wanna Keep That Smile, Leave Here Now

It seems I have been bummer blogging all week. The whole reason I started blogging was my dad. He died. We had issues. There are these giant holes where he should have given his kids closer, information, love or something. So I thought, ah blogging will bring me peace, yes that's it. After one crummy attempt at dad blogging I decided it was too much of a downer and who would want to read that crap. Then this week I went ahead and wrote about Lynn. Big drag there. Still no word from her but she may be in Europe for all I know so I need to wait a while before thinking she has blown me off-----again. But that's not my problem tonight.

Today I was feeling depressed with no real reason. I did know something was coming. Something bad. I mistook it for one of my phobias. Not so. I have this thing with one of my children. Whenever he is about to go down the tubes, get in bad trouble or even worse , I know. I hate that. It's like God giving me one shot at changing whats to come but I never can. When I give him the warning he knows. It's happened too many times. He spent 3 1/2 yrs in prison. Turned 18 behind prison walls. If he just would have stopped and listened. When your child is in prison, you go along too. Life comes to a horrible halt. Buts that's another tale. Behind me asleep in my bed is my baby Gage. I called my sons house and could tell things were not so good. he said he was leaving. Good, go. I waited and then ran over to his house. About 2 miles away. Unfortunately he was still there. I knocked and Gage let me in. One of my sons childhood friends(one who I have taken in a hundred times and who calls me mom) was perched on the couch. I asked where Jessie was. He said the bathroom. Where is my son, same. He heard my voice and they both came out. She was crying. Newborn baby Jody was sleeping right there in his swing. Joey looked at me and said "I knew you would come over. It's none of your business." Gage was standing there so I didn't start with him but I told him I didn't care for his business I was here for Gage. To take him out of here.I told him he is a dad now and he cannot do this in front of his kids. Instead of screaming at me as he would normally do he kept walking to his car and he and his friend left. The fight was over him yelling at some jerk over the phone and it scared jess. She thought that guy may hurt Joey.For that he went off on her. He scared her pretty bad this time. I do not know what to do. I know that his days are numbered. He will be in jail any time. They have a house payment and a new baby and Gage. He is gone most of the time anyhow. She doesn't even care how late he shows up anymore but she loves him. I know what he does. Most of us do. I love him so much and believe that he needs help. He will not go for that. I am sick about this. Jessie just went to bed. He will come home at 3AM and in the morning he will say he is sorry and blah blah blah. I sleep because I take valium and read every night till my eyes fall out. Tomorrow I will take my sweet boy to the library to check out his beloved books and see Miss Amy. Jessie misses him so much and I know she wants him home but if she lets me I just keep him away from all that as much as I can. Besides, Grampa Joe would just keep him forever if only he could. If you are a praying person would you pray for my son and his family? The guilt I feel for my sons behavior is the same as if he were 7 years old. I feel like such a bad mom. Jessie will have to leave the baby and go back to work to try to save their home. The payment is just under 400.00 a month and less than anything she would be able to rent. I will have to take care of the kids and I don't know how I will do it. I am not 30 anymore. I will do whatever it takes though. I am afraid of what the future holds.

being so truthful all day isn'y easy. I want to delete it all. I am gonna let it all stand. But I feel naked. I am telling you ugly things about my life. Ugh! It's so nice to just write the nice news. Weed out the bad. Let me tell you I do alot of weeding. Is it best to just pretend life is good when it is sucking? and one more thing, if my friend Lynn was still my friend then I would have her to talk to and you would have been spared. lynnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

continued from the other one

Well, I did the floors and now I just feel lousy. That's all it takes to steal my joy. One small thing and I have this funk of a depression hanging on me like a wet papertowel. I just want to be a normal person. I am up and then with no notice I am crashing and burning. I have my oldie channel on I have eaten a real lunch I have the A.C. blasting cool air. So why the mood? Joe told me I have to go get money and pay a few bills in town tomorrow. That hangs over my head and maybe that's it. I am going through my bi annual agoraphobia attack right now. Leave the house I can do but not La Luz. Yesterday was okay but I could feel it coming. Ya know, SOMETHING WICKED THIS WAY COMES? Like that. Okay, I am taking myself in the livingroom and dusting. That should bring back the joy.

yOU dID wHAT?

If your husband used your 1 yr old vacuum to suck up 5 lbs of bird seed and poop from his bird cage, and then (after you took off his head)and then your vacuum didn't work right anymore(like won't pick up the damn dog hair)would you feel justified in calling him at work and having a meltdown over the phone? Well then you are a better woman than I. My vacuum is a tool that I use daily. I don't go to his tool box and mess with his stuff. And comon, it's not a shop-vac. Well, he came home and he's working on it. His reponse is always he will just buy me another. Well, we don't have money for that. Until his check got here yesterday we had zero dollars. I take care of my things. I think he will have his hand removed if he touches my"tools" ever again. And then I look at that sweet patient face and I know how blessed I am to have My Joe.

okay, just to be fair I have to tell you that he fixed it. it wasn't anything he had done.it was a toothpick.(he is the only toothpicker here but still)I was going to delete this since it was myself and not him that screwed up the vac this time but I am leaving it. i still think using my vac to clean 3 months of poop from his cage was not good. he thinks i overreacted. one thing that i do have to say is that there is almost nothing that this man cannot fix.(the other vac) he will make his own part if need be. yes, i said i was sorry for screaming at him into the phone. i was on a roll, cleaning and doing laundry. one day with no kids and i have to make the most of it. yes, i can be a real bitch. and now i have to go back and vac up all the floor that i thought was clean until i noticed that the dirt container was empty. just another reason that everyone wants to be me.i love my life!

How'd You Get So Burned When You're Barely On Fire?

Okay, I wrote Lynn. Now I wait. My last try. I hope this ends well.

Time Travel

Sometimes I just wander around looking for something. I have no clue what that something is. I feel a bit sad and depressed. This is me. I have been to most of your blogs twice today. I have work to do,. But I have spent the day reading and sleeping. Typical signs I am not okay. But me being NOT OKAY is nothing new. I fake it most days. I had to leave church early as I didn't have it in me to visit after church with everyone. I miss my friend Lynn. My friend for almost 40 years. Not dead. Got a new boyfriend. Moved 100 miles away and speaks to me no more. When we run into each other there is a strange stilted conversation that breaks my heart. She has helped me give birth to 3 of my kids,I live in the house that she birthed her youngest in, my kids call her mom2,we have sat together at funerals for too many of our friends, I sat with her while we waited for word on her daughter when she ran away at 16, she has been at every single of my family events for years and years, everything we say or do is bounced off the other. She was simply my friend. Things have been strained for 8 months. new boyfriend is actually old friend and half brother to an old boyfriend of mine from 1969-70. He killed himself in Viet Nam in 71. We were wondering what ever happened to Lloyd, well, guess who found him? Yep, me. Lynn was divorced 3 yrs ago after being married to a creep for 30 yrs. Maybe this is to be expected I do not know. We have never fell out of touch. Till now. She told me he is even jealous of the times her kids call her on the phone. They all live far away.I guess he got rid of me. It just isn't like her to let some man tell her what to do. In the end it is her decision. After 3 months she sent me a reply to a note I sent saying I missed her. I have not sent a reply. I don't know what to say anymore. I never had to chose my words with her and don't know how now. P.S. do you think the fact that I posted 12 (count em 12) pictures of Lynn was a bit obsessive? Um, it was huh.

And I Cried When They Played Surfer Girl

What a dork. I didn't mean to cry. I leaned in to tell Jessie that Surfer Girl was the very first record album I ever got. I think I was 11 yrs old and it was Xmas. I lived in Northern Calif and The Beach Boys played in Sacramento maybe once a year. I never got to see them cuz I was too young. Tonight was lots of fun. It's a rather small( 500-600 people) venue and that made it even better.They played all the big hits.When I was a kid there was only one slow dance song" In My Room." Almost had to cry again. Tomorrow is the Jazz /Blues festival. Gonna pass on it this year since it's also the year my first grandchild turns into a teen ager. My Christian is going to be 13. That went by too fast. I hate it when that happens. My feet are killing me. Good nite ya'll. Oh, posting a few not so great photos. My camera is a piece of crap and I get what I get. Getting a new one soon.

Going Out,,ME!

Last minute invite from my daughter in law to go to Ruidoso to The Inn Of The Mt Gods to see The Beach Boys. We had wanted to go but ended up not having the funds. Jessie got 2 free tickets and Joey doesn't want to go. yeah. Cady taking card of gage till Grampa Joe gets home and baby Jody is going to Grammys house in Ruidoso. If he gets too upset we will just leave. We saw Three Dog Night there several years ago and it was alot of fun. Have a great Friday everyone.