You Wanna Keep That Smile, Leave Here Now
It seems I have been bummer blogging all week. The whole reason I started blogging was my dad. He died. We had issues. There are these giant holes where he should have given his kids closer, information, love or something. So I thought, ah blogging will bring me peace, yes that's it. After one crummy attempt at dad blogging I decided it was too much of a downer and who would want to read that crap. Then this week I went ahead and wrote about Lynn. Big drag there. Still no word from her but she may be in Europe for all I know so I need to wait a while before thinking she has blown me off-----again. But that's not my problem tonight.
Today I was feeling depressed with no real reason. I did know something was coming. Something bad. I mistook it for one of my phobias. Not so. I have this thing with one of my children. Whenever he is about to go down the tubes, get in bad trouble or even worse , I know. I hate that. It's like God giving me one shot at changing whats to come but I never can. When I give him the warning he knows. It's happened too many times. He spent 3 1/2 yrs in prison. Turned 18 behind prison walls. If he just would have stopped and listened. When your child is in prison, you go along too. Life comes to a horrible halt. Buts that's another tale. Behind me asleep in my bed is my baby Gage. I called my sons house and could tell things were not so good. he said he was leaving. Good, go. I waited and then ran over to his house. About 2 miles away. Unfortunately he was still there. I knocked and Gage let me in. One of my sons childhood friends(one who I have taken in a hundred times and who calls me mom) was perched on the couch. I asked where Jessie was. He said the bathroom. Where is my son, same. He heard my voice and they both came out. She was crying. Newborn baby Jody was sleeping right there in his swing. Joey looked at me and said "I knew you would come over. It's none of your business." Gage was standing there so I didn't start with him but I told him I didn't care for his business I was here for Gage. To take him out of here.I told him he is a dad now and he cannot do this in front of his kids. Instead of screaming at me as he would normally do he kept walking to his car and he and his friend left. The fight was over him yelling at some jerk over the phone and it scared jess. She thought that guy may hurt Joey.For that he went off on her. He scared her pretty bad this time. I do not know what to do. I know that his days are numbered. He will be in jail any time. They have a house payment and a new baby and Gage. He is gone most of the time anyhow. She doesn't even care how late he shows up anymore but she loves him. I know what he does. Most of us do. I love him so much and believe that he needs help. He will not go for that. I am sick about this. Jessie just went to bed. He will come home at 3AM and in the morning he will say he is sorry and blah blah blah. I sleep because I take valium and read every night till my eyes fall out. Tomorrow I will take my sweet boy to the library to check out his beloved books and see Miss Amy. Jessie misses him so much and I know she wants him home but if she lets me I just keep him away from all that as much as I can. Besides, Grampa Joe would just keep him forever if only he could. If you are a praying person would you pray for my son and his family? The guilt I feel for my sons behavior is the same as if he were 7 years old. I feel like such a bad mom. Jessie will have to leave the baby and go back to work to try to save their home. The payment is just under 400.00 a month and less than anything she would be able to rent. I will have to take care of the kids and I don't know how I will do it. I am not 30 anymore. I will do whatever it takes though. I am afraid of what the future holds.
being so truthful all day isn'y easy. I want to delete it all. I am gonna let it all stand. But I feel naked. I am telling you ugly things about my life. Ugh! It's so nice to just write the nice news. Weed out the bad. Let me tell you I do alot of weeding. Is it best to just pretend life is good when it is sucking? and one more thing, if my friend Lynn was still my friend then I would have her to talk to and you would have been spared. lynnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
posted by debi | 10:45 PM
5 Comments:
Sometimes life throws so much at us we can't even seem to breathe. You are helping your son by being there for his family. Will keep you and them in my prayers. Wish I were there to give you a hug and just sit and chat. Stay strong.
Hang in there, keeping you in my prayers.
There is no reason for you to feel guilty. You have gone above and beyond what you are expected to do. My parents (4 of em) almost never babysat my kids. In fact, I can count on ONE hand how many times my Dad and step mom watched the girls. They had their own stuff to take care, and worked full time. There were times that I wished they would help more, but after all, the kids were mine.
You take care of everyone. Gage is at your place so sften, I am sure that it feels like home to him.
I am learning that no matter how we raise our children, no matter what lessons we teach them, or how much they are nurtured, they are going to do what they want. You can only do so much.
I will keep them in my prayers. I hope that your son sees what a blessing he has at home before it is too late.
I hope that you are feeling better today.
Love you :)
You are in my thoughts and prayers, Of course, you should not feel guilty. Nonetheless, we do feel our children's struggles sometimes with deep pain. Take care.
I'm sorry you are going thru this difficult time. We are always worried for our kids. And do whatever is in our power to help them. Sometimes we say no and that's okay too. You will find the balance somehow. I think you sound pretty awesome despite some stuff that you really have no control over. When people come to their senses they'll realize you are very strong.
Take care.
Post a Comment
<< Home