Today

Ahh, today. Well it is a little bit better. I have just accepted the fact that my daughter Heather and I are the wedding planners. I made arrangements for the tux for the father of the bride. I called the bakery and found out that they have one day left to choose a cake. After that it is twinkies for 100. My dear friend Lynne is going to help me with everything. Shes done 2 weddings and with less time. She's also a great cook and will help my with the food. The best thing about her is that she is nothing like me. She never freaks out. She is always a calming presence and I instantly feel better at the sound of her voice. Thank you God for giving me a friend like that.I talked to Joe, We are not telling anyone but we talked to the lady at the bridal shop and offered to pay the down payment so the tux can be ordered. How can he walk his little girl down the aisle in blue jeans when everyone else is wearing tuxedos? Actully I feel sorry for him. He has no say so in anything ,he is a sweet man. I have not mentioned it but last week I started aerobics.I have lost a bit just cuz I don't want to make all that work for nothing so I am really watching what I eat.Lots of Special K. I am not in the mood to go anymore but I am going . Have a good evening everyone.

It's A Beautiful Day In The Neighborhood

I have been sinking down for weeks now but I could always fake it. That is a good thing cuz if I can still fake it then it's not that bad. There is too much for me to do. I feel like I am going to fly into a million pieces. Joey and Jessie are getting married on Feb 17th. I wrongly assumed her Mom would be very involved and was just hoping there would be some things I could do to help. I thought the worst news was that our friend who was going to cater had gone back to drugs. Hell, thats nothing compared to all the rest of this crap, In fact,I could use some drugs myself right about now. Can't spare the cash though LOL! They have not picked a cake,we have not got a "for sure" list on the food. I don't know how I am going to decorate the church,cook the food, get walked down the aisle(oh man,I don't want to have do that part. I won't look good enough) then jump up and get the food from the kitchen in the back room to the tables. We are doing everything at the church. Yes, I will have help but I have never done this,I am not that into weddings in the first place. I have nothing against them,I would rather use the money and go to europe on a great honeymoon. Okay,we aren't spending anything near that kind of cash but you get my point.
I just feel so sad for poor little Jessie. I have spent half the day in tears. Then to top it off, those assholes at ALL MY CHILDREN killed off Dixie today. Since I was already crying I just kept on. Silly, hell yes! But I have invested my time since the age of 17 in that damn show,I named my daughter after the girl who plays Dixie. That would be Cady. My ulcer is making a comeback this week. I now have to go to the ex for valium. I hate asking him for anything. Without something I will lay awake all night and keep thinking.This is more telling than the 100 LIST. Now you can see how screwed up I really am. And gee,I just don't feel like smiling and saying how fine I am this week. I know these are times to seek out the Lord in prayer. These are the times I don't wanna anymore. Don't wanna anything. I want to please everyone and I fear I will not be able to pull it off. I know there will be no comments on this stupid rant of a post and I expect none. What can you say to this? Not much. I just had to talk to someone I guess. Thanks,, And did I mention that Saturday our favorite parakeet died? He got a cold, took him to the vet ,he died of a heart attack.He got scared to death. I made the vet cry. He still charged us 37.50. Guess he didn't feel that bad.

How To Be Grandpa of The Year

Buy an old tractor,boys love em.

The Truth,You Can't Handle The Truth

Reading 'LOst A SOck" just now I was enjoying her 1 year blogaversary. I went back and read some posts I had missed. I love reading everyones "100 Things About Me".I figured someday I would get round to it. It seems that Molly posted hers as her 100th posting. I thought that was cool and I should do the same.I just counted and realized I passed that mark 2 posts,shit,now 3 posts ago. Here's the thing. I want it to actually say something more about me that I have said so far.I mean that's the whole point anyhow, is it not? Tonight I am going to start working on a list. When I have read others 100 list they are filled with nice things. Well, I have some nice things to say too. But I also have some sad and bad things and I want to put them out there. The truth is I can't handle the truth. I wanted to blog so that I could come to terms with certain things in my life. I have not done that as it seems to be such a downer.I will try to put at least as much positive as I do negative. I am not happy with many of the choices I made in my life. I am happy with the person I have become and am still becoming. I do not choose to forget and forgive myself, lest I make those mistakes again. In fact,I cannot call them mistakes if I go back and do them again. I now know better. Hell, I always knew better. So anyhow, I am going to start work on the damn list in a minute. Maybe it will be the healing thing I hoped for in this blog. Or not. What the hell, I'll give it a shot.

Counting The Cars On The New Jersey Turnpike

Today was almost a nice day. It seemed like a good day.Cloudy,snowing and cold. It's been so many years since we had winter it is wonderful.I am listening to The Best Of Simon And Garfunkle.Cady,lately it's always my Cady who gives me grief. A letter from her english teacher saying that shes been late to class twice. Not coming prepared ect. She is the sweetest out of my 5 kids,she has no reason to be doing bad at school. There were times in the past when things around here were bad. To handle it mom(that would be me) was drinking at night.Crying all the time,never mind,long story. Things are good now and have been for a long while. Joe and I try so hard to be good and attentive parents. We are able to give her things we never could give the others. My ex never paid support and we were pretty poor back then.. We do lots of family things,we try to talk with her. I know its the dreaded teen years. But I really thought this time it was going to be different. I have a bad problem with depression. It takes so little to set me off. Today I just want to drive away and not come home. Spent the last hour on hands and knees scrubbing my hardwood floors. I only got a small spot done but it looks nice. Is it selfish to want your life to be peaceful? I just want to be happy for a while. I have spent too many years being sad and afraid,I want peace now and I am willing to hurt others to get that peace damn it!Okay,,kidding here. Having one of those cry baby days I guess.

I Have Been Bad

Blogger says I may not post any pictures for the time being. No crying or nagging will change things.

And The Wheels On The Bus Go Round And Round

I have had lots to say but I have been too lazy to post. I hate it when that happens. I joined the aerobics class at church last week. I was pretty sure I was not going to live more than a few days. I went 2 times and then said fuck it. The pain in my sciatic( if i spelled it wrong ,sorry)nerve was worse than labor. But I did get Cady and Jessie(Joeys bride to be) going.Then Sara decided that as soon as she had weaned Madison she would join also. This week-end my friend Lynne decided she and I had to do something. If not that class then something else.She told me to pick and she and I would go. Since I brought in so many with me the teacher gave me a great discount so how could I pass it up? Plus,the instructor has never been a person I enjoyed being around and it bugged me. I prayed that I would learn to see good in her and begin to like her. Well, I think I am. That chip on my shoulder is getting smoother and about gone now. It's not about that discount. It's about a change of heart. Hers and mine.
Today I did something that I am so proud of. And embarrassed too. I spent about $8.00 at Walmart and bought a cheap-o expanding file suitcase thingy. For 18 years we have just put bills and important papers in a pile here or there and then spent hours freaking out looking for them and maybe not finding them ever. For the last few years Joe goes to the post office to get the mail at lunch. He looks at it for 1 second and then dumps it on my computer desk. I take the phone,elec,water and internet bills out and then dump it on his desk. he gets home and re-dumps it someplace else. Meanwhile I misplace the bills and blame him for the entire thing. Today I made a change,I am going to be an organized person. Kinda like an adult.Then I bought a small spiral notebook and call it "my brain". It can remember things that I cannot. I made lists of chores today and did them all.There is nothing like the rush of checking off a chore as "done" on my list. I even did Cadys chore as I was beyond tired of waiting for her to get it done. I hate dog poop. I think it should be picked up daily. When it was my job I picked up first thing in the morning and it took all of 5 minutes. Now that I take care of my grandson who is 2,I don't take him out to the poop while I pick it up.I hate digging it out of the little patterns in the bottom of kids sneakers. I spent about 60 min or more with the shovel and a whole lotta poo today. Cady was here so she stayed in with Gage and I did it myself. More than once the idea of tossing a shovelful at her crossed my mind. After a while I got into it. Yes, poop removal can be rewarding.( used the poop word 4 times so far). Sorry, I am tired and under the influence of vicodin. Hey,my back hurts. Where was I? Oh yeah,throwing poop(5) on Cady. Well, wanting to. Here is a picture of our Jack Russell,his name is Jackson Browne and also my first attempt at making a scrapbooking thing. Only it's in a shadow box frame. I think I could take a lesson from Stacey on that but I did my best. It was fun and I want to make some stuff for all the kids. Geez,I cannot type and take pain meds. Better go to sleep. Good Night my sweet friends.

pictures i like very much

Because All Men Want A Tractor (no they don't)

Since it has been a while there is much I could post about. But really all I can think of is why is my husband making more dust for me. He has lots he could be doing today but if he didn't tractor up the yard he was gonna pee in his pants.I told him if he takes out one blade of my grass he is a dead man. We live in the country and if you have lots of nice green grass you have less damn dust. One year I made the mistake of getting him a metal detector,oh geez. He dug up the entire yard. It looked like an episode of "Catdog". But it was worth it cuz now we don't have to worry about those pesky old tabs from ancient coke and beer cans. Oh well,another day in the life.

Green Acres Is The Place To Be

Farm Livin is the life for me. Whatever.Now and then my husband gets something stuck in his craw. No not a piece of food. He finds something he can't live without and I always fight him on it and I never win and if I did his heart would be broken.He works like a dog all year and never takes a break.He has a collection of weird junk out in the back that is a constant source of nagging on my part. Hey,I don't wanna nag,but you haven't seen the stuff he saves. Everything.There is no such thing as junk to him. Well, this year he found his "thing" he had to have. I don't know what came over me but I didn't fight him on it. Hell, he already made the deal anyhow. He got it cheap cuz it didn't run. There is nothing he cannot fix. It runs now. I ran out and took pictures when I saw him get stuck in the creek while driving his tractor into the yard. He had to take down the fence.It was pretty funny,the creek was flooding all over the yard. It's parked outside my window now and my Joe is one happy camper tonight. P.S. OKay, I need to add that he didn't get stuck in the creek,the back tires were on a large bunch of tree roots and he lost traction till he backed up. It was still funny and he made me say this ,,ha!

Maddie! 1 Year Later

Happy Birthday Baby.

The Birthdays Just Keep Coming

Today is the first birthday of our 2nd granddaughter, Madison Saige. Last year at this time I was going crazy. I had 2 daughters with the same due dates. Dec 28th. As it turned out Heather had a c-section on the 13th(and had Natalie) but Sara stayed pregnant for what seemed like an eternity.We drove her over every speed bump in town,took her to eat hot mexican food,trotted her up and down the steps at the Space Hall Museum,took her 4-wheeling,walked up and down the mall until we dropped. The poor little girl just kept getting bigger and bigger. Sara is a tiny girl who weighed about 101 when she got pregnant. Finally on the day they told her they would induce(Jan 3) she went into labor. If her labor had not moved along the way it did and she had time for an epidural,things would have turned out differently. Madison was way too big for Sara and after the head was born she was stuck like a cork in a bottle.The midwife kicked trays across the room and jumped on the bed and began to pull that baby out. That was when I turned away and started to pray.I have had 2 home births and attended lots of others but this is the only time I thought we may loose a baby. They told Sara to jump up on all 4's and push as the midwife pulled.At this point the clock is ticking and there are just a few minutes to get the baby out. That poor baby finally popped out and for a minute they thought she may have a broken clavicle but she was fine. Sara was so busy doing what she was being told she had no idea that her baby was in distress until it was all over. They decided they should have induced her at least 2 weeks earlier. Both Madison and Natalie weighed 8lbs 14oz. In March I have yet another grandchild coming. That makes 7. Wow,woulda thunk it?

I am always so put off by the "title". I don't want to have to pick a damn title.
So I am not. Today was not bad. I stayed asleep till 2:00. I don't care,I needed to do nothing for a change. Of course when I did get up I had things I really wanted to get done but found I had no time. I had planned to take down the tree. Does anyone else have this problem; everyone is there to put up the tree. It is a major event. Opening boxes not seen in a year. The thrill of it all. The day after Christmas the tree is no longer magical. It's just a tree taking up space and dropping needles. When you go to take it down you become like the Maytag repairman,you are the loneliest mom in town. My tree is still up. I can hear it laughing behind my back.
I bet it takes me all week to get it down.
We had to go to town to pick up my jeep since we took a cab home last night.What a drag to leave your vehicle someplace else. I was feeling punked out and didn't want to drive. I can't see at night and since I slept the day away it was dark by the time Joe had time to take me. Day is done and all is well,good nite folks.

Baby New Year And Grandparents

Natalie kept this hat on for all of 8 seconds, It was long enough.
Here are her grandparents looking alot more sober than they should.

2007,I Find It Hard Too Believe

What a fun night we had. Joe and I made about 30 eggrolls and took them to our daughter Heathers house. We ate like pigs cuz it seems to be what we do best. Jalapeno poppers,eggrolls,queso,bread with fresh roasted garlic,beer,tequila rose,margaritas and wine coolers.OINK! We played darts and boy do I suck at that game.I don't think there can be any skill at that game anyhow. But I still sucked. Although I did make 3 bulls eyes. After pigging and darting we watched Chris Rock and I nearly choked to death on popcorn.That man is funny and he just is.Then we moved on to Dave Chappell. More funny and more choking. I cannot drink and laugh. But I sure as hell gave it a try. At midnight we went out back and Jimmy(son-in-law) shot off some big fireworks,they fell over and just missed taking him out. I was just drunk enough to think it was pretty funny instead of freaking out.I love not worrying for a change.We all toasted with a glass of champagne and then we called a cab to take us home. What a treat of a ride that was. Our strange woman driver had a BIG sign that read NO SMOKING in her cab,even if we were smokers we would only have needed to inhale to get our fair share of nicotine.Yuck.What a buzz kill. We live out of town. It's about a 14 minute drive to Heathers house. Our cab driver drove 65 almost all the way to our house.Speed limit being 35 and 45 the entire way. We made it home in just a few quick minutes. I did mention that she may want to slow down as 55 would be too fast to make the turn to our house. She didn't seem to notice her driving was awful.And here we are home again. Everyone is asleep but I am here blogging.I have no freakin clue why I am not asleep. I need ta go to bed. I hope everyone had a nice night even if you just stayed home and played cards or went to bed early.POsting pics of our night. good Nite folks,,yes,I am a bit hazy. Not getting up in the morning. Turning off the phone.