So, the tech called this AM and I have an appointment next Friday at 10 AM. I don't even care I just want it over. I was hoping that they would do it this Friday. The weather here is crazy. We slept with all our windows open last night and it was still too hot. A nasty wind has blown in and you cannot see more than a block ahead. Seasons don't change nicely in these parts. They are savagely blown in and out. No windows open tonight.

And It Was So

My title means nothing as far as I can tell. I am feeling so many things right now. I went to the long dreaded Dr appt yesterday. Dr Worthington a gastroinerologist. Or some such spelling. My dr sent me to him to check on tumor markers she found last month. Since she said I had no tumor I wasn't all that worried. That is until I walked into the office. Cady was with me and I kept calm. I was good while he spoke to me as he went over my records that had been faxed over. He was highlighting here and there. I asked about having a liver biopsy and was told that would be done last after much other testing and time had passed. Then he came upon the page. The one that had the word hemochromatosis written there. my dr had told me last visit that I had a rare thing that was only found in 1996. It causes your body to load up on iron. Overload actually. This can lead to many bad things. This is also why now they will be doing things in reverse. I will have to have the biopsy first and soon. I was sent to the hospital for more bloodwork and sometime today they will fax the results to the dr. The test is just to make sure my blood clots properly. So if they call me today as they said they would I will be told to make that appt. I cannot tell you how afraid I am of this test. When I asked the dr yesterday if it hurt much he said with a smile "it sure does". Then he went on to tell me how he would feel if he knew he had to endure the same test. I think he could have just said "yeah lady it hurts." I left his office and headed to my spot. The library. It was closed when I went Friday. I needed some sewing books. I needed a book to read at night like I always do. It's been a few weeks and I really needed to be in a book. I found my sewing and quilting books. Then I typed in the book I wanted to be reading. I knew if they had it that it would be checked out. It was IN. I brought home "Eat, Pray, Love". I have heard wonderful things about this book and I am so happy to have it here in my hand. I am only just in the first 50 pages but it is wonderful. But I keep finding tears rolling down my face blurring my vision and making it impossible to read. Sentences should not begin with BUT. I do not know why I have to freak out but I am. Well, my mistake was looking up "liver biopsy". I didn't even finish and I had a panic attack. One that took my breathe away and scared me. Even with all that may be found about my liver and it is most likely not going to be good, I am mostly afraid right now of pain. How silly is that? I had 5 babies with nothing but lamaze breathing to get me through and I was fine. Surely this can't be as bad as birthing. I just need to hear that said. I need someone who has gone through this to tell me it's not that bad. Okay, that it's doable. is that a word? I mean it must be cuz people go through it everyday. Maybe it isn't that at all. Maybe I am afraid of what is coming.One year of nasty treatments that will save my life and why am I not jumping for joy that I have this insurance and have this opportunity? I am a big baby I guess. I would not mind if I could be knocked out for this test but thats not possible. You must be awake. It is the most beautiful day today. Birds singing and my trees are blooming. I know it will freeze again and the farmers are praying for the cherry and apple crop already. Tomorrow is my ex husbands birthday and I am making him german choc cupcakes. I don't want him to feel like I did this year. Joe is next in March. I keep thinking of how I will be able to do a yr on chemo. Being sick and how my grandkids will handle it. I think that bothers me most. It's the fear of the unknown. I want to be able to wait till after Cady has her baby. God, I hope it goes that way. One of my kids needs me almost everyday and there is no other grandma. I am it. I have no choice but I wish I did. Going to wash dishes. Oh, Cady is at work. She is supposed to do 2 half days a week but today is spay day and they are swamped. So they asked her to stay and help. She is so happy to be working. OKay, I am sorry if this is all over the place. I will get myself together.

It's Library Day

I am so happy to be on my way to the library. It's been weeks and I never go this long in between visits. I am back into Beatrix Potter right now so I will be looking for at least 2 books on her life. I am interested in her life when she moved to the Lake District. She was a very interesting woman. One of my first books was The Tale of Two Bad Mice. When I was little it was she and Tasha Tudor that I loved most.

Mish Mosh

Here is a group of pics that I have been saving up. 6 yr old grandsons riding their dirtbikes. They are going to be racing this summer. The bikes are so little and the boys look way cute in their gear. Sewing projects I have actually started and finished. I am about to begin a small quilt. I want to do embroidery on a few of the squares too. I have been practicing the embroidery for the last several days and nights. I just love to do handwork. It is one thing that gives me a real feeling of accomplishment. Back in my hippie days in the 70's my boyfried and husband had many beautiful items jeans and shirts I had done lots of embroidery on and they were my pride and joy. Back in those days I learned most of what I knew from my favorite book "Living On The Earth" by Alicia Bay Laurel. I still have that old book that Jody bought me in 1971. I have cooked or sewed most everything in that old thing. The dried fruit thing is a project I began before Xmas and just finished. The pillow is a project I began for Heather 12 yrs ago. I hate that I let things slide like that. The kitchen window is a pic of the new curtains I just made. That window is my favorite spot and is full of things I love.ps, I just added a few more pics. Cady getting her sonagram and Jessie with baby Jody and sick Gage. Jody was trying to nurse and Gage was in his way. Amalah had a beautiful post today about breast feeding. It made me cry. I miss so much holding my babies and them looking up at me and grinning and the sound of them gulping as my milk let down and it came a bit too fast. Cady was 3yrs and a few months when she was finally weaned. She was my last baby and I let her go as long as she wanted. Now she thinks I was crazy. Well she did till she found out about the baby coming to her. She plans to breast feed like everyone else in the family. I am so glad that they all chose to give it a try. I miss a snuggly baby in bed with us and hearing them snort as they root for a boob to latch on to. It's not for everyone and that's okay, really to each his own. Sorry, having a mommy moment.

It Burns!

What burns? I suppose I should wash it out of my hair but I am not wasting my money. And I hate the dull look of my hair when it needs color. For some reason it is burning my skin. Really it feel like it is eating my flesh. Only a few more minutes and I will wash it out. My skin is red and looks odd. What an idiot you say. You are right. So while I wait for time to be up I thought I would pop in here and say hello to you all. I think of you each day and check on you all to see how you are. I just never feel up to posting. Maybe there is just too much to say. Cady is doing great. Her boss put her on leave without pay last month and then when he ran into her at Walmart he asked her back. She cannot do any big lifting or handle cat boxes. She is just going back 2 half days a week right now but she will be glad to have a few $ of her own. She is 15 weeks now. We got to see the baby last week. Already a major cutie pie. Cady is under weight and we are trying to get her to eat more. She is feeling better now. She broke up with boyfriend/babydaddy. After all thats happened now she finally sees what we all told her way back when. They have nothing in common and he is not for her. She used to get all dolled up and wait for him to come pick her up for a date. Most times he never showed. She would be crushed. Then he dumped her last spring and she cried for him all summer. She started seeing Brian and we were all happy. She and Brian love to ride dirt bikes or 4 wheelers and be outside alot. Mostly they laugh alot when they are together. Then school started and Sergio found out she was seeing Brian and he wanted her back. Back she went. Sergio just turned 18 yesterday. Brian is 20 and in college. I have no idea what made her open her eyes but she broke up with Sergio last month. She lets him come to dr appts and keeps him informed as to all news about baby. Brian and her are seeing each other and she is very happy. I have no idea how this will end but I am glad to see her laugh again. I actually feel sorry for Sergio. He writes her such sad notes and cards. I know it is for the best.
I am spending lots of time sewing right now. Made all my girls quilted potholders for Valentines Day. They came out real pretty. Been a while since I did any of that and I forgot how much work it is and how much I love it. Getting all those pieces to match up just perfect. Will post pics after I wash this stuff out of my hair.