And It Was So

My title means nothing as far as I can tell. I am feeling so many things right now. I went to the long dreaded Dr appt yesterday. Dr Worthington a gastroinerologist. Or some such spelling. My dr sent me to him to check on tumor markers she found last month. Since she said I had no tumor I wasn't all that worried. That is until I walked into the office. Cady was with me and I kept calm. I was good while he spoke to me as he went over my records that had been faxed over. He was highlighting here and there. I asked about having a liver biopsy and was told that would be done last after much other testing and time had passed. Then he came upon the page. The one that had the word hemochromatosis written there. my dr had told me last visit that I had a rare thing that was only found in 1996. It causes your body to load up on iron. Overload actually. This can lead to many bad things. This is also why now they will be doing things in reverse. I will have to have the biopsy first and soon. I was sent to the hospital for more bloodwork and sometime today they will fax the results to the dr. The test is just to make sure my blood clots properly. So if they call me today as they said they would I will be told to make that appt. I cannot tell you how afraid I am of this test. When I asked the dr yesterday if it hurt much he said with a smile "it sure does". Then he went on to tell me how he would feel if he knew he had to endure the same test. I think he could have just said "yeah lady it hurts." I left his office and headed to my spot. The library. It was closed when I went Friday. I needed some sewing books. I needed a book to read at night like I always do. It's been a few weeks and I really needed to be in a book. I found my sewing and quilting books. Then I typed in the book I wanted to be reading. I knew if they had it that it would be checked out. It was IN. I brought home "Eat, Pray, Love". I have heard wonderful things about this book and I am so happy to have it here in my hand. I am only just in the first 50 pages but it is wonderful. But I keep finding tears rolling down my face blurring my vision and making it impossible to read. Sentences should not begin with BUT. I do not know why I have to freak out but I am. Well, my mistake was looking up "liver biopsy". I didn't even finish and I had a panic attack. One that took my breathe away and scared me. Even with all that may be found about my liver and it is most likely not going to be good, I am mostly afraid right now of pain. How silly is that? I had 5 babies with nothing but lamaze breathing to get me through and I was fine. Surely this can't be as bad as birthing. I just need to hear that said. I need someone who has gone through this to tell me it's not that bad. Okay, that it's doable. is that a word? I mean it must be cuz people go through it everyday. Maybe it isn't that at all. Maybe I am afraid of what is coming.One year of nasty treatments that will save my life and why am I not jumping for joy that I have this insurance and have this opportunity? I am a big baby I guess. I would not mind if I could be knocked out for this test but thats not possible. You must be awake. It is the most beautiful day today. Birds singing and my trees are blooming. I know it will freeze again and the farmers are praying for the cherry and apple crop already. Tomorrow is my ex husbands birthday and I am making him german choc cupcakes. I don't want him to feel like I did this year. Joe is next in March. I keep thinking of how I will be able to do a yr on chemo. Being sick and how my grandkids will handle it. I think that bothers me most. It's the fear of the unknown. I want to be able to wait till after Cady has her baby. God, I hope it goes that way. One of my kids needs me almost everyday and there is no other grandma. I am it. I have no choice but I wish I did. Going to wash dishes. Oh, Cady is at work. She is supposed to do 2 half days a week but today is spay day and they are swamped. So they asked her to stay and help. She is so happy to be working. OKay, I am sorry if this is all over the place. I will get myself together.