So Sad

I have not posted in a while. I don't know if anyone even comes here anymore. I am feeling like the words have to be pulled from my gut. First let me say I feel bad for the post all about my back and all my other complaints. I wasn't sure if I should go there but then decided I would. My brother got angry with me and told me I sounded like Grandma. I was so relieved that it wasn't all in my head. Guess I just didn't need to give some much info. So I am sorry about that. Next is something that has been eating at my heart since last Sunday night. I debated putting it out there for all to see. But you are my friends. You have helped me in ways you cannot know. So here goes, Sunday night Cady (my barely 18 yr old daughter) handed me a piece of paper. It was from a walk-in clinic. I read on it that the pregnancy test they performed had come up positive. I read it again because I wasn't sure what I had read. Then looking up at Cady, I dropped the paper on the floor and left the room. I sat alone in the dark of my bedroom and just stared into the darkness. My Moma died in 1982 and not since then have I cried that kind of cry. Joe was in his office on his computer and unaware that our lives had just been changed forever and without our having any input into the matter. All her dreams of college and even graduating next year are now going to be a struggle at best. Boyfriend will not even be 18 till Feb. His biggest goal in life is driving around with his brothers car club on the week-ends in his crappy car with gas bought by his mom. They are a poor family and have more than they can handle already. So this will be our baby. Cady just doesn't get it. That night I called Sara (daughter # 2, 21 yrs old) and asked her to please come get me. She asked me if Cady had told me the news. Before she arrived I had told Cady she would be telling her dad. I wasn't gonna be the one to break his heart,. But in the end I just walked in and asked him if he would pray for us. I never said for what. He held my hands and said a very sweet prayer and somehow it had all the right words in it. When he finished I blurted out the words no parent wants to hear. Sara came and it was then that Cady went in to her dad and as she cried she hugged his neck and said "dad I am sorry". I left the house until way late when I could finally stop crying. I know we will all love this baby but today I am not feeling that. I feel so sad at the loss of the life she could have had. The struggle it will be just to get her through the rest of this year and next. I could teach her a lesson and make her see why it is that I cry about this everyday. I could not help. But that really isn't an option. In the end boyfriend cannot be counted on to help. I really give him little or no thought at all. She was talking so much about after she was out of high school and could get a job and her own place or a room mate and go to college. Now she will be here at home with her mom and dad trying to juggle school and a baby. If she were a very motivated person it would be different. She is a very young 18. She has been protected and not out in the world. I have to remind her to do everything. I now have to stop and let her learn how to handle her life. I took her to the library and checked out 8 books on pregnancy and birth. She is reading them. And if you think she is at all upset about this, no she is not. So many times this week I wanted to knock her head off. I have 5 kids and 8 grandkids. Maybe I am selfish but I was through having babies. I love being a grandma. I took care of my oldest grandson for 8 months when he was about 2. Heather's life went into the toilet for a while. She got herself together and is the best mom I know. I took care of Gage while my son and his wife( Joey and Jessie) worked for almost 3 years. The hard part of that is feeling like he is mine. he still wants to be here with grampa all the time and we miss him so much it hurts. He lives only 2 miles away. My kids all take care of their kids and Joe and I babysit now and then. The other times the kids are just here cuz we want them to be. I just can't believe that I our lives took this turn and now here we are. So, I could go on and on but I shouldn't. Like I said, certainly we will love this baby and welcome it into our family. Everyone is already saving cribs and clothes. But for right now, I grieve.